Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Today is the most dreaded day of my life. I built my castle on the sand with faith enough to be believe that the sea won't wash it away. I knew this day would come. I have been rehearsing this over and over in my mind. Sometimes I drown the fear down with the memory of his face, his smile, the kiss of love, the promise of days to come. I admit that I have a secret hatred for the one who came first in line. It's my turn now and I wish she would would move the other way. I wait now. I hate waiting. The anticipation kills me slowly. Time is an enemy I cannot fight.

Once upon a time I asked this heart if it can wait up to a certain time. It responded back that it can wait, yes, for a time only, yes, the time is limited up to the first tearfall, the first fall when I can love no more. I thought deep and hard. The first tear has long fallen but I love him still. It replied back laughing at what I said. It said something like I have never been one to follow deadlines or timelines, they're all just a blur to me. "How come you never set a date for an anniversary? Even if it's not the real day you truly gave me away? You never did listen to what I tell you, it's takes you forever to do so!" Amazing! The conversation added color to my world. How true, I never did thought of that, until today. I remember now. I said to myself I will wait another year until he makes a move. He did earlier than expected, so early he was also shocked at the speed of things. The universe conspires to the dreamer. I also said that if after all this shit he returns to her arms, then it would be the end of me. Totally. Unless of course my stars align back to his. Then maybe...

Now what? I need another miracle.

Just to make it clear, miracle or no miracle, I'm not giving up. Until of course he raises his hand and surrender before her, then I'll just have to shoot them both. Just kidding...hahahahaha...just an after thought...

...I'll decide I'll just have to build another castle on a much stable ground. I'll probably hate the sea for taking my castle and my turtle away from me. I'll be a bitter old lady walking around with cramps spitting out saliva everytime I spew kisses at my grandchildren. Ewwwww! Freaky!

If this happens to me because I will get bitter, I'll really shoot them both. Again, just kidding...*wink**wink*

I know what to do. I just hope I don't do it. It would be a shame for my tired little heart to once again find another lonely star, to lie awake waiting for the right moment for it to appear, to trace it's path and follow another untrodden path...

He loves me. I know.

He's happy. I sooooo know.

And I know he can resist her wiles. I will not argue, not bug him with what goes on in my head. I will keep my silence and let my fingers do the talking. Although this is hell to pay I will wait this out...and this written account of my insecurity which causes most of my headaches and thoughtless heartaches, will be my basis for sanity until this day is over.

And I have no intention of jumping off the window. Just entertaining the thought.

Goddess Morwen at 11:10 AM

Monday, June 28, 2004
SEX CAMP?

I was browsing through a magazine and I came across an article about a couple exploring each other as part of their therapy in a sex camp. SEX CAMP? What the...? It's pretty uncommon in a society where we come from to accept this kind of therapeutical approach to a relationship. But let's admit it, we're curious about it. If you can discover your partner anew and deepen your relationship by sharing the most primal form of connection, would you pass up just because others might think you have sexual problems? Why is it that when therapies sprout up, the notion is that you are probably 'ill' because you are getting therapy? If one had a facial, people think you must have had skin problems before. People have facials because they care for their skin, whether they have skin problems or they're trying to prevent skin problems.

What the hell is my point? My point is that we should be more open-minded about things, read about them, and discover them before we start spitting commentaries on subjects we know nothing about. Who knows you might discover you do have sexual problems and get 'cured' in a sex camp...?

Just my two cents...

Goddess Morwen at 9:17 AM

Friday, June 11, 2004
I can still smell the hospital on the clothes I wore last saturday. I feel much better now that I'm away from that dreadful place. Some say that a hospital is the saving grace of the sick, where hope resides for the ailing and the dying, a stead for medical experts whom we trust with our lives. Cutting the chase, I think of it the other way. I am afraid of being stuck in a hospital, I feel that I must be at my worst, and being confined in one is total horror. I feel the walls are colder and helplessness surrounds me like a blanket trying to choke life out of me. In my twisted little mind, hospitals are portals to the next life. And then I was in one last saturday, being hauled in a wheelchair to room 326 after my x-ray was taken for what reason, I do not know, they never did impart nor explain things to me. I did not ask either. I didn't want to know. What I knew was that I was not just knocking at death's door, I was practically there, except that the people who care about me won't let me go. Besides, I was too happy to just die. I don't think I'll die young though. I need to fulfill my personal legend first (as soon as I discover what it is). And there's my Cleo who stood, slept, cared, and jingled all the way. He practically made my stay comfortable after my family decided to paint the town red. I can't blame them though, the place was indeed horrid. My second night was utmost crazy! Cleo had to rest, do some errands, breathe the air of the outside world, have a life, seek refuge in a place called home, see family members, and enjoy a night's rest away from a sick person known as myself (who happens to be more than willing to go HOME too). I struggled through the night because aside from the pains, cramps, and suppositories barring my usually free canal, I was alone. Fear Factor time. The catch is that I could barely sleep with my consistently visiting nurses who never fails to chat and lift my spirits up. I find it distracting but in a good way. I woke up pretty late since I slept pretty late as well. The good news greeted me well. I felt alive when the doctor said I could go home that afternoon.

Goddess Morwen at 8:45 AM