Thursday, June 09, 2005
My Personal Revenge
I guess I won't be going to the Picnic after all. Maybe I shouldn't have looked forward to it as I have done. I thought maybe I could have some leisure time and be with friends without spending a cent. I was wrong. And I invited my 5-year-old to come. What will I say to him? Pray he won't remember it?
I still want Cleo to go even if I can't. I've been hoping that he'll have a grand time because he misses the water already. Summer passed and we couldn't go to the beach because I've been told that I can't go swimming unless on a pool. Well I won't be going to the pool either.
It would have helped if my superiors had the time to talk to me about it, that they were planning to exclude me and make me work on the weekend shift. Maybe I would have understood and not be hurt. I know they lack the people to man the weekend shift because a lot of us 'oldies' have gone on to different pastures to find whatever it is they're looking for. But I'm still here because I want to stick it out and make sure that I still help out. I used to believe that I'm lucky to be on a great team.
I don't feel so lucky anymore. Maybe when my batchmates and other mentors left or transferred meant that it was time for us to move on. Maybe I'm just stubborn. I've had plenty of offers but I turned them down because I love my job and my team.
I feel like a used toy that when you've got a new one you shove the old ones in a box or cabinets and do nothing but collect dust. I try my best to help out the newbies at work. They deserve all the help they can get because I got the same treatment when I was new. And of course I want them to stick around. Some would stay yet some go and I never have the chance to get to know them. And I'm still here.
I don't know why I am still here. All my reasons have dissolved one by one. I no longer have avenues for my artistic side since I'm not with the Social Committee anymore. My friends have gone. The atmosphere in office has become work, work, work. I go to work because I have to feed my family, be with Cleo, and prove to Ian that I am still worth my job.
I can still get a job other than what Macromedia can provide and still feed my family.
I live with Cleo now. Even if I don't work in the same office as he, I will still be with him.
And Ian, one of my best mentors, I have done what he has asked of me. I have no absences or lates like we discussed. I am working really hard to have my stats up except I'm on B shift. Even if I hated the shift I do my best and hope to keep my stats up when I return to the C shift.
But the drive is gone. The newbies are here to save us all. And I should go on a different way.
I have my kids on priority too. And Cleo. It's time for me to find the job of my dreams and that would be to teach or train people. And write that novel. And release that creative energy that's bottled up through photography. That way I can share a passion with Cleo.
And find a sanctuary. The beach.
I don't want to go but it is time I start working for myself. Capture the dream once and for all.
So to the Picnic I will not go but one day people will have THEIR picnics in MY beach.
And that will be my personal revenge.
Goddess Morwen at 10:41 PM
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
I cried a bucket of tears the other day. I had a fight with my mother. One of those times when I feel she oversteps her authority. I guess for her I'll always be her baby, her youngest so to speak. But I have my own life to live and she knows that. She also knows that decisions in my own household has to be done by me. That includes everything that has to be done with the house like repairs or renovations or whatever I can think of doing.
Not only that. Cleo is head of my family now.
It doesn't matter that we're not married, we are technically a family. He said it so himself. I'm glad he's making decisions about us too. I may not be his wife on paper but I am already a wife to him nonetheless. And where he goes, me and the kids must follow.
It seems pretty scary but it'll be an adventure. My life has been nothing but a great big adventure and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. And I wouldn't choose another man to fill Cleo's shoes. It's pretty close to happily ever after as it can get.
Goddess Morwen at 5:38 AM
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Just a Friend
My right foot is swelling.
The left is having muscle pains.
My baby kicks all over my insides.
I can't feel my fingers right.
I'm having contractions.
I have lascerations in my labia major.
Could anything hurt more?
I was introduced to his long time friend as his friend. We shall soon have a baby out in the world and I'm cannot even be introduced as his girlfriend. Kahit sana nanay na lang ng magiging anak niya.
For now I'm just a friend.
Goddess Morwen at 7:18 AM
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Missing the Beach...
I really miss the beach. I wish I could go out and run straight to the where the surf breaks. What a thought! It's going to be a while to do that. I'm in preventive mode so I can't subject myself to any possible cause for fungal infection including swimming on the beach. Oh how I would love to sprawl half-naked on the sand and wait til the sun cook me up a little.
I feel a bit guilty coz now that I'm stuck here at the metro, so is Cleo. He would have loved to run away to the beach but he has to take care of me since I'm on my sixth month and pretty near my delivery date. Thank God for the Sykes picnic at least he could be sun-kissed.
I think I'll bring Glen along since we won't be performing anyway. We can have fun without any worries and its gonna be for free. I'll also get to have quality time with both Cleo and Glen. I just hope they won't get into each others nerves. Glen is going through Oedipus complex and Cleo likes to tease him to tears. Then they're cat and mouse. Yet Glen, in all his list of complaints against Cleo, misses Cleo when he's not there. Always asking where Cleo is and what time he'd be back or where Cleo goes when he's not around. I get to be referee most of the time since I get caught in between. I wonder if the little one inside me is going to be as busy as those two when he gets out?
I think my little family are all water babies (just like me). We all can't seem to live without the beach. Glen even went to Boracay and now is in Davao. Imagine that? Cleo and I still dream about that beachfront lot we'll be having very, very soon. And the bar and resto too. Waikiki is what its called. It's in Surigao del Sur where Cleo grew up. I guess its where he wants his kids to grow up too.
Check it out: www.thelandofpromise.com/ surigaosur/waikiki-trio-P6241581.html
I've never been there. If I were to go there I might never come back, so I guess we'll go there when we've got the cash to buy us a piece of land and build our first castle of love. How exciting! It will then be a dream come true.
We have ourselves a timeline. So while I dream of the beach I might as well multi-task and check the real estate listings so my honey and I can make more concrete plans for our future island life!
Goddess Morwen at 12:56 AM
