Thursday, March 31, 2005
After a while
you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much
so you plant yourown garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strongand you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
Goddess Morwen at 2:41 PM
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
I'm a souvenir of deceptive relationships. God I wish I'm far away from that. I deserve that don't I? My eyes cried buckets of tears just the other day but then after just a few hours I found myself back in Your arms. Is there a harder pill to swallow than to know that there are things that are beyond what you expect or believe in yet your only choice is to accept and swallow every bit. I will face what is true if it jumps in my face. Right now I'm asking You to stay by me. My friends are either too busy or have gone AWOL and I have nowhere to turn to. The devil haunts me in my sleep feeding with with half-truths and lies. My soul is losing its grip and I'm being dragged to reopening old wounds, wounds that have been scars for years.
Am I faithless, God?
Will You protect me? I don't think I can live another day knowing that everything I know to be true is a lie. I've given myself so thoughtlessly in the past, I thought I was being selfless. Reckless is more of what I've become. I made the wager with the demon that sleeps at the end of my bed. I said he can claim my soul if he speaks the truth to me. Four visions in my sleep and I have waken each time, barely, but my soul intact.
I must be faithless indeed. Do You have room for someone like me?
My heart is turning black. I could not escape the grip of jealousy. I make-believe that I am intact but I am not. Half of me has died already. More of me will die soon. My last vision of death was from suicide. The one before that was suffocation.
God save me from myself, please?
Worthless as I may be, I think I can still make do of what is alive in me but show me purpose. I've forgotten what it is lately. I guess that's why another life grows in me. You had that planned all along? Is everything really planned? Or is that something cooked up by some bishop from a long time ago so his priests won't lose hope?
And what is hope? That I am done with deceptive relationships? That finally I found sanctuary?
My children are my real sanctuary, my place of rest and reason to live on. They are the real reason why wake up from every sleep. I wish their love would keep me strong that I never lose their faith in me, that I will not bend to my weaknesses. Maybe someday I'll understand these things better so I won't doubt. I wish really hard that You keep me in Your Grace.
I am not afraid to die. I never have.
I am afraid to be alone. I always have. Once I forced myself to believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life. My comfort now is that my children is the lease You have for me so I will not be afraid for the next few years that they are with me. When I am alone the devil comes for me, he comes even when I'm not.
I need to get back to the path, the one that's destined for me, if there's one. Love is so overwhelming I'm lost in its whirlpool, spinning like forever. At times you understand it, at times you curse it
Goddess Morwen at 6:14 PM
