Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Ode to an Ex-Wife
I am so over you! I'm done with your trouble-making schemes!
Whew! You can really annoy someone so. I could hardly believe you got to me. But now I'm repenting for ever letting you crawl under my skin. Why should I let myself be affected by you? Who the hell are you anyway? Please do not trouble yourself. You are insignificant. My Cleo and my kids are the significant ones. I will not waste my time on you anymore.
Since I cannot resist the temptation, here's a little 'so long and I never want to see your face ever again' message:
For years you had the privilege of breathing the same air as Cleo (is he a god or what?). And you actually married the guy. That's like 10,000 points for you plus extra lives. From wedded bliss to dog on a leash, and you actually thought you could make your husband happy and love you till eternity that way? Girl?!? You make a jailguard shy out of his pants with your effortless display of security measures. Seriously, any man or woman kept in bondage will want to be set free. Marriage isn't supposed to be ball and chain, it's supposed to be a merger for new freedoms out of the old. So in the end you lost him.
Then he found his way to me.
Never have I been so tempted and enamoured by a member of the male population as Cleo has (and is doing). So how the hell should I blame you for clinging as you have done. Since I'm not the competitive type, I let have your way. I gave up the man because if I were in your shoes, I'd like to be given all the chances that I deserve.
I broke his heart. And mine. For you.
What I have done has been branded sinful, some say that letting him go was penance enough for me. He let me go too (I think) so he could concentrate on your marriage. I had to support him through and through for it was the right thing to do. And for me too.
All had been for you.
It hurt so bad to know that you got him first so I had to stay at the sidelines and watch the event unfold. There had been times that I would have totally left and never come back. Ah! Thanks to your deeds I did not. Why should I be the one to leave? I'm the one who gave a damn so I should be the one to stay. He wanted me to stay. How could I deny him that?
An untimely divorce.
That gave me life and hope and enough peace. Though I was sorry for you. I was sorry for Cleo too. No one deserves a failed marriage, only its teachings. I felt sad for him since I had so much guilt inside. In a way I blamed myself for being there when you weren't, for filling up your shortcomings, for being at the other end of the spectrum. Yes, how totally different we are but maybe we have qualities that are alike too. I guess I'll never know because I know you'll never ever choose me as friend if you had the chance. If only you befriended me rather that antagonized me, then maybe I never would have succumbed to temptation (but then again maybe not).
Mine at last.
Cleo is mine now though I do not really own him like property, I made a home in his heart (apart from his cameras). And that makes all the difference.
And there's the newest addition - a Baby!
I can't blame you if you went fuming mad knowing Cleo's having a much awaited baby. It was never our intention to have one so soon but as we all know God works in very mysterious ways. I take it as a blessing and as a gift. I knew right away that God had forgiven my sins. Why would He grant me the miracle of new life if I was so bad as to neglect His child? And it also means that dear Cleo's fears of infertility is urban legend.
A woman of substance.
That is what we should all be, someone who is not empty, someone of substance. Instead of proving to Cleo that you are worthy, you have showed him nothing but an amusing poor little rich girl who is dependent on everything else but herself. I bet you look at the mirror most of the time. If only you would look closer at the lines in your face rather than hide them or look deep in your eyes to see what is left of your fire rather than its physical form, maybe then you would understand that you are empty inside. Have you found yourself again lately? I don't think so. I think you do not realize that you are missing a 'self'. You think you are faultless even when you know what your faults are. You want others to shoulder your failures for you because its easier that way. And people who love you rarely deny you that satisfaction. But what have you learned? That you can never fail because someone else will fail in your behalf? And what if that someone tires of carrying two loads, yours and theirs? Where will you be then? You are trapped in your little girl syndrome, a typical peter pan living in a fantasy world. And what will you do when you wake up the next morning and find that your anti-wrinkle cream will never work anymore and your dreams have fled long ago. How then will you catch them?
Do not waste your time being bitter. Mr. Right will have had a different Ms. Right by then if you don't start working your ass and personality to be Ms. Right herself. You don't want to be forty to realize you want to raise kids and have enough courage and character to actually be a mother. By then it will be very difficult. You could always open your heart to the motherless but then you need a lot work to do to achieve that kind of enlightenment.
Rather than waste your time being angry or blaming me, use your time to rebuild yourself and be lovable again. Who knows, maybe a king would bow before your reconstructed soul. I sure have one sleeping soundly in my bed right now. And I know that he would never have given me a second look if I did not practice a lot of soul-searching and personality changes to become who I am today. The practice still helps me build a better character. Most of all, learn to forgive. It gets harder and harder to forgive someone as we grow older but it is keeping our hearts young that we can achieve forgiveness. Kids fight about things but a few minutes later they're back to being the best of friends.
Compassion is the only way to heal the past pains of love.
Goddess Morwen at 11:25 PM
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Just let me blow off the steam for now.
My life feels like fiction, surreal. Sometimes I live in the NOW but sometimes I'm locked up in the past. I feel my fingers almost turn to dust when I am eaten by loneliness. I am surrounded by people who I know genuinely cares for me but there seems to be an invisible wall that separates us. I think my heart is about to burst and I cry alone in the darker corners of my heart to bleed out my pain.
I don't know where my feelings of sadness come from. I have been suffering from it when I am alone in my thoughts or even I'm in a crowd and my mind becomes clogged up. I should be happy, I have everything in this world to be happy about.
I feel I am not enough. That I can never be enough to play the roles I should, that I lack greatly in something but I don't know what it is. I've taken my brain to the osterizer and still I have no clue. In the end I am clueless about love. I thought I knew how to love and be loved. In reality I really am clueless as to what's it all about.
I love you - I define it as the pure energy and passion, an entirety, an embodibent of the thing known as LOVE.
Love yah - It is what friends say to each other when they're eager or sincere to communicate LOVE when they need to reach out.
Luv u, lab yah, love u, labs u, etc... - This is what people say when they tease or in a hurry, or bored out of their wits to even spell it out correctly.
This way I know what the people I care or do not care that much about tell me when I read their messages. And I am serious about what they mean.
So when a loved one sends a message in the third to me and a message in the first to someone else I feel jealous or less important. I'm very sensitive lately and I can blame it on my pregnancy or I can blame it on the heat or even the stress but I have had this philosophy way back in highschool.
My love, I know that no one can really be enough for another person, that's why we are known as social animals. I wish I was brought up in an Islamic environment so that I am trained to never be jealous of a presence of another woman in your life. But I am not.
I've been swallowing one pill after another. Sometimes I don't think anymore I just accept it and try to never think about what's happening since I've got other issues to think about.
My beloved, I honestly thought I've accepted it but the truth is that I haven't. I've realized that all the pain that I feel, I just mask it so I don't trouble you with inconsistencies. I'm hurt that I have to pretend that I don't know you and never touch you. That it's better to have someone pretend as your girlfriend because your ex is such a pain in the neck. To top it all, it had to be Chi. How complicated must my life be? I don't mind complications, they add spice to life but too much spice can put you to tears and in a very uncomfortable situation. Why do you have to find someone to pretend for you and why can't you just tell your ex to bug off since you're now separated, duh? Is she stupid to actually want you to believe that she has moved on but wants to pry into your personal life? And I don't understand why you fall into place as she has planned? It's bad enough that you've had a miserable marriage and now that you're free of her, she'll still make life miserable? I don't think so. She will not make my life and my children's lives miserable!
It will not end until YOU end it. You can always not communicate with her by not answering her calls or text messages and even not meeting up unless its about your annulment. Do you believe you could be friends with her? You're at both ends of the warring camps, how can you possibly trust her with anything? Trust is the foundation of friendship. I see her cunning as malicious. She will strip you of everything if she possibly can. That's a typical 'woman scorned'.
But I've swallowed that pill. It's in my system somehow. I understand your fear and I don't want to argue. I've never been one to argue so I go with the flow. I might be wrong and this may actually work. I've almost truly accepted it if it weren't for the thought that the universe conspires with the dreamer. If I had my way, I'd go where I want to go with my head held high for I have nothing to be shameful about. If she tried anything on me, she'll be humiliated.
And what is this other pill that I swallowed to appease you? Oh, I pray to God I never find out that you and Chi see each other without my knowledge nor people I know or people who know us ever witness you two together (because they'll see you two flirting). Let's accept it. That is what you do when you're together.
We three went out together and by God I wish that what I witnessed was the worst flirting you two had ever done in public (who am I kidding?). I don't want to wonder what you two do or are like when you are together ALONE. Lucky for me you two like to be ALONE so I assume that you'll go somewhere discreet - but then again the universe conspires for me mostly and I eventually find out the painful way.
You saw in her the hesitation to accept your proposal. You hesitated too. But you didn't see mine. You were oblivious of the pain I felt just being there and swallowing every moment of it. And to think that I even arranged it. What was I expecting? I thought maybe there'd be some sort of respect for me since I was there, a little distance maybe for my sake? I was walking behind or ahead, I didn't even look anymore because I felt like a wallflower. If the distance to our bodies were measured and the closeness would determine who your lover was...it wouldn't be me. It's like your bodies were magnet and steel. And even if I was walking between you two, I felt squeezed and had to lag behind so I could walk comfortably. I was not comfortable. And did I mention I was there?
Sorry if I talked and talked, it was the only mechanism I could think of so I won't feel like I wasn't there. But then I felt like I wasn't there.
And then you had to mistext. It would've felt better if you slapped me so I could wake up from the nigtmare I seem to have helped create. It took every ounce of strength and patience to swallow everything. Maybe it would help me feel alright if I never think about it or talk about it. In the end, all I've been doing is denial of my own feelings rather than facing them.
I wish I could untangle myself from this fairy tale. I wanted so much for you to be The One. Did I misread the message sent by the Universe? I'll never know unless I've spent enough time to look back in the past and dissect it. I wish I didn't have this enormous love for you because if I didn't then I wouldn't hold on to you as much. I can't seem to live a day without you but I know that's not right. The last thing I want is to smother you. And coping with all this is really, really hard for me. I don't want to be jealous but I am. I'm still outside looking in.
Who is she to you? What do you feel about her? How important is it to be with her alone? Why do you have the need to be with her? What are you lacking that she provides you with? We never talk about her. Nothing deep and all superficial. I can't seem to stimulate you to talk about her. I tried a lot of times. And I failed at each. You always answer in a way that you know nothing about her. She's your bestfriend, how can you know little of the person that she is? You never talk about your need to be with her. Not once did you talk to me as to why. I'm running out of excuses for you. I know you are trying, little by little, but my heart is not as patience as yours. The longer it is to take you to realize that you can have faith in me, the longer it is for this void inside to expand. One day it will swallow me whole. One day I'll be the one who'll shut up and never give a damn about you and what you do. One day I'll grow tired of all this and just die inside so I can be like the phoenix and live again. But by then who will you be to me?
Since I believe in miracles, that scenario will never happen. Even when I feel that my faith is waning, you do something to revive it. I don't ever want to lose my faith in you.
I love you like mad. I don't think I'll ever fall in love like this again. And yes I'd still like to bear all your children and stick with you until eternity.
If that is what you want as well.
Goddess Morwen at 10:41 PM
