Thursday, December 29, 2005
Finding the One
Once I dreamed about finding the one. I didn't even know what he'll be like. I didn't care what he'll look like but I'd really like him to healthy with chubs for me to hug with. One afternoon I was reading this glorious book, Chocolate for a Woman's Soul. The very first story was about an estranged wife's journey from wife to divorcee to finding the one. I was so inspired to do the same thing that I followed her every instruction. I found myself alone in my room writing on a piece of paper 15 characteristics of 'The One' and then after squeezing my brain for all 15, she instructs to write on another piece of paper only 5 of the 15. This she says are the characteristics of the man that I can never live without. This, she says are what's most important to me. I wrote them and hid them in between the pages of the book 'The Alchemist'. What a way to hide it huh?
It didn't take long for me to forget about it. It also didn't take long for me to meet a guy I got so attracted to I had to steal him from his wife. It took some time though for me to fight for him. I honestly thought he was worth it at the start because he didn't want to abandon his wife after having a tryst with me. But it wasn't right. He couldn't disregard his love for me either. Like water longing to fall on thirsty lips, we tried and failed at it and we tried all over again. And one day I found the piece of paper. I read it and tears fell like rain. He fell short of the words I wrote a few months before.
It didn't take long before I threw the paper away. I decided that no piece of paper was going to dictate what will happen to me. No sooner than a few drinks on the beach I had missed him so much. Again I was back to my old scheming self. And because I had let go of the inhibitions, the sex has never been so great. I really truly love him.
So after the year passed, I got pregnant and things got a little complicated. Although he had separated from his wife, she was a constant during my pregnancy. A thorn on our side, not like its none of my doing. Believe me I have repented to the goddess and asked her to take care of my baby. I asked all the goddesses mind you!
And I said one day, out of frustration and sentimentality that I will be lonely for the rest of my life like the song. And he asked me 'why?' sounding hurt. I said 'I don't know if you will stay' and he said 'I wanna be there when my baby grows, I wanna watch my baby's mother take care of her'.
And so the baby came. Beautiful and wonderful. Looking like a piece of hand had etched her dad's face into hers. I love her more each day.
Now that Christmas together as a family came, I was humbled by the day's events. Just a week before, I was hurting. I am a sentimental woman and sensitive about relationships. I had been dreaming of roses and romantic evenings that never seem to come. In short I got impatient. I wanted romance. I demanded it but he doesn't seem to get it. And I cried and poured my heart out only to realize after a few days that the flowers and the romance is but superficial to love. True love is that which has no form nor face but it directs you to give up your life for the one you love. It accepts you for everything that you are. And that is what I learned on Christmas day.
I was looking at the pictures from Christmas and I must admit I had a great smile. Finally, I felt like I belonged. I have always been welcomed by his family but I thought it was the baby that was welcome and not me. But on that day I knew. His dad said 'pagawa na yang family picture'. And I was there, and Glen was there too. We were members of their family.
I said kawawa naman si Glen di man lang naalala ng tatay nya. And he replied, bakit naalala ko naman sha ah. He's right. He is Glen's dad now, everything Glen had asked for. To Glen's biological father: ako na lang ata nakakaalala sayo, pagsisisihan mo ang ginawa mong pagkalimot kay Glen. Dadating ang araw itatakwil ka rin niya tulad ng paglimot mo sa kanya.
I wanted to cry because my mind went back to a time when I was all excited about the words I wrote on a piece of paper:
1. A man who will love my children more than me. Kahit na di nya anak si Glen.
2. A man who will work hard for his family.
3. A man who appreciates the Divine, my mind, and what I have to say.
4. A man who will take care and never neglect his family.
5. A man who is single and will love no other woman but me.
So imagine the transformation of 'The One'. He gave me more than a dozen roses that I wished for last Christmas, in pink and red, for love and passion.
To all you girls out there who feel tired of waiting for your loved one to become your dream man: Don't think too much or be concerned about your emotions and his lack of words. Sometimes there are expressions of love that are shown rather than said, we're just too blind to see most of the time. His ways of expression are different from ours. It's time we give his expression a chance and see the love rather than seek the romance.
And he said bagong taon ayoko sumama ang loob ko sayo. I said I'm sorry for what I said...I want to spend my life with you.
Silence.
I turned on my back kasi naiiyak nako sa sentimentality ng moment eh. I buried my face in his chest, sabi ko I'm scared na its not something you want din. And then he said gusto ko.
Search your soul for he might already be the one. It took me almost three years to know that he's 'The One' for me. The question that now burns is that am I proving to him that I am 'The One' for him?
Goddess Morwen at 8:15 AM
Monday, December 26, 2005
Best Laid Plans
The moon laid asleep as I prayed for the great day to come. What is so great about that day is now lost in the dailiness of things. While the world wakes by the sound of a rooster, I slip off my headset off, tired from working the night away. My daughter visits me when she wakes with a very big smile on her face. It's hard to explain how the welling of emotions can surge at the sound of girly giggles my baby makes the moment I say 'hi'. These are moments that I know will stay for the rest of my life.
I am 28 and at the prime of my life. So many plans and so many dissapointments. I feel bad, I feel good, I feel excited, and I feel frustrated. Life is so promising now that I feel it is never a reason to get stuck in a moment. And the world moves despite the roots that grew from my sullenness. I'm still standing and still waiting. What am I waiting for anyway? The day I revere may never come. I may be waiting for greatness that is never mine to have.
It is time for me to move on to other great things. Forget the moonlight serenade.
I'm changing plans. I will become my dream. Enough putting it off. Enough putting others always first. No more waiting for others to move me. I want to look at the mirror and say 'I am beautiful, I love what I see'
I will ditch the people and things that have no significance. Especially those who don't think I am worth it. I don't think they are worthy of me either.
These are my best laid plans for 2006.
Goddess Morwen at 5:26 PM
Friday, December 23, 2005
Christmas Wishes
1. Everyone will love the Pancit Molo I've been preparing...pang dalawang pamilya...
2. My first Christmas with baby Nicole will go swell...I love her sooooo much!
3. Labidoods will like the gifts I prepared...for an entire year of delay...ala money eh...pang anniversary, birthday at Christmas...
4. I hope the party for Christmas day is as fun as last year...kahit wala ang ate ko and my pamangkins...
5. I wish I get the book that I want kasi total nasabi ko naman na its what I want eh...di ba Meng?
6. To be sure I get the book, I told someone else it's want I want...sigurista?
7. I love surprises so I hoped to be surprised by a gift this Christmas :-)
8. I'm such a sucker for romance so I hope something romantic is in store for me this Christmas...uhm last christmas kasi nabuo ang baby...hihihi...sige na nga sana flowers
9. It's my, Glen's, and Badet's first Christmas with Daddy together...ang sarap ng feeling kahit saan at kahit sino pa ang ibang kasama basta kaming family magkakasama!
10. I'd like to give something to a streetchild or elderly when I see one. Kahit di counted ang good deed para sa eternal life, at least I made someone smile on Christmas day.
Dreaming of....
1. Celtic ring...ang mahal kasi pero malay mo may fafa na mag donate
2. D70...wow...
3. ...di ko na lang sasabihin pero sana napapaligiran ako ng maraming flowers pag nangyari to
4. beach...moonlight...flowers...panalo
5. Graduation from Masters Degree
6. Portrait worth winning
Goddess Morwen at 1:46 PM
Saturday, December 03, 2005
If you must cry, cry like a child.
You were once a child, and one of the first things you leamed in life was to cry, because crying is a part of life. Never forget that you are free, and that to show your emotions is not shameful. Scream, sob loudly, make as much noise as you like. Because that is how children cry, and they know the fastest way to put their hearts at ease.
Have you ever noticed how children stop crying? They stop because something distracts them. Something calls them to the next adventure. Children stop crying very quickly.
And that's how it will be for you. But only if you can cry as children do.
Goddess Morwen at 6:20 AM
Friday, December 02, 2005
So much has happened in a span of a second, how much more in a year? It's December now and about this time last year I only had one child. Now I have both a daughter and her father in my arms. My family is becoming complete. It already is except everyone wants me to bear more kids. (Well that is if my pocket allows it, why not?)
I have also become a real photographer, the manlilimos kind because my equipment is borrowed. Well technically, but if I were legally married to my husband then what I borrow from him is mine also. So let's just pretend for a while...
The SEAGames is a blast! I think the opportunity Kelvin and Yonex gave me is really great. I met some big time photographers and other VIPs. I'll cherish my ID forever (sabi ni labidoods kinis daw ng balat ko sa pic, hehehehe, photoshop kasi)! I had some awesome pics too which I never thought I'd take.
But the best pics I've made where those I did on my own, planned on my own, and done with labidoods by my side. Well he's the expert so to become the master I must follow the master. I tried to copy his style and eventually I'm starting my own. Meaning I'm deviating from the norm.
I'm excited to take advance classes because labidoods will be my classmate. Kilig. Grabe na toh.
Goddess Morwen at 4:51 AM
